I am writing this entry mainly to let off some aches in my heart. I have been dealing with this for three months already. I just want to make sure that I have everything here so that I can get it off my chest.

Four years ago, my dad was diagnosed with COPD. For those of you who do not know anything about this illness:

Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), also known as chronic obstructive lung disease (COLD), andchronic obstructive airway disease (COAD), among others, is a type of obstructive lung disease characterized by chronically poor airflow. It typically worsens over time. The main symptoms include shortness of breath, cough, and sputum production.

COPD usually gets gradually worse over time and can ultimately result in death. It is estimated that 3% of all disability is related to COPD.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chronic_obstructive_pulmonary_disease#

So there. Main cause of the disease is actually smoking. My dad was a heavy smoker. He just stopped smoking when he could not walk anymore. 

The last two years was very hard for all of us, especially my father. Because that's the moment that we knew that his condition was actually getting worse, he would always have difficulty breathing, he's always complaining of shortness of breath and he cannot walk that much anymore. He was used to always going out of the house to go to the OTB, go out with his friends, etc. But since he was having a very hard time walking, he was then kept at home to make sure that nothing unfortunate happen to him. This was also the time that I was not with my mom and dad. I as with my sister and my nephew that time, taking care of the baby and doing housework, and minding my love life during weekends. I seldom go to my parents house because there's no one to take care of my nephew when my sister's out for work. Or maybe because I keep telling myself that nothing's going to happen. The doctor gave us more or less one year or less and he already told us that there's no cure for my father's condition.

The day came when my sister, nephew and I moved back to Sucat (my mom and dad's place) that I started seeing my parents. My sister was then pregnant with my second nephew. My father's situation worsened over time and with that, I still was not going to my parents' unit for daily visits. I don't know why but I just don't. My faher's always looking for me, my mom says.

My father was rushed to the hospital December 2013 because he had a blood-tinged urine and he's complaining of stomach pains. That's the only time that I got to spend with my father... In the hospital. After the hospital thing, we then moved him to our unit so that we can monitor him closely. This was also the time that he was not able to hold his urine anymore, he cannot feel a thing if he's also defecating. This is mainly because his spine is already compacted, he cannot sense any bowel movement anymore. That's also the time that he's having difficulty walking. We had to buy him a walking stick/guide so he can then walk slowly. He also cannot have time without his oxygen tank. 

He was again rushed to the hospital because of a seizure. We then found out that he already had two attacks of stroke. This was the time that he was sent to the ICU for the first time. My dad spent a week in the ICU then back to the normal room. He stayed in the hospital for almost a month. This was very hard time for us since we do not have any money. We had to borrow a lot of money from people so that we can get him out of the hospital.

We then bought a hospital bed so that he can be more comfortable. He was given medications after. We would buy his medicines amounting to Php 5,000.00 a day. It was very stressful and hard for all of us. This was also the time that we felt that he was slowly slipping away, deteriorating.

Two weeks after the first hospitalization, he was again rushed to the hospital. He then spent 5 days in the ICU and then back to the ward. Since we really cannot do anything about his condition at this point in time, we were already preparing for the worst thing to happen.

We then decided to bring him back home. After a few days of stay in the house, we then noticed that he was only breathing but he was always asleep. We only fed him through tube. Even so, he is not responding to anything. After a few days, we then noticed a sudden drop on his oxygen levels, he is not anymore reacting to anything. He was like... Physically there but he's not reacting or responding to anything that we do. Until one day, my father passed away. We were all distraught.

I was at work the very day my father died. Before walking out of the house, I took one look at my father and I heard something or someone telling me to "Say Goodbye" to my dad. My proud self just walked away and did not even bother kissing him or saying goodbye to him.

I have been like this for such a long time now, I don't know why but I just don't show my emotions to anyone in my family. Most especially my dad. I know that I have been a very bad person for not even bothering to even take a look at him, for not even bothering to spend more time with him. If I could only turn back the time, I would have grabbed every opportunity to be with him and to share everything to him. I did not even bother to tell him how much I love him and I appreciate everything he did for the family and for me.

I am full of regrets right now, how I wish I could have done something to make him feel how much I value him. Truly, you will never know how much a person's worth until the day comes that the person is not with you anymore. I am crying as I type this down.

It now dawned upon me everything that my father did for me, the big things and the small things. How I acted like a spoiled bitch around him. I was a very bad daughter, and I wish I could take it all back.

To My Papa,

I am sorry for the way that I treated you when you were still here with us. I wish I could take it all back and do the right thing to do. Even so, I still think that you have done a great job in taking care of everyone in the family. I am truly sorry for all the bad things that I have done. I know that I was a very big disappointment and I want to tell you how much I love you. I wish I can turn back time, I'd do everything differently. Thank you for everything that you's shared with us. I know that I was your favorite daughter. I am so sorry that I did not bother spending time with you when you are in pain and suffering. I am sorry for the way I treated you, I am sorry for talking back and not understanding how you are feeling. I am truly very sorry for every wretched thing that I have done. If only there's a way for me to tell you how much I love you, I love you very much. How I wish you're still here with us.

I love you and I am very sorry for everything.

- Oan